There are many, many things that are difficult in life, but one thing that is most difficult for me is the “unknown time boom” especially when it happened on the first day of your long planned holiday for just the three of us by the sea sand and sun. When everyone was on the lookout for best snookering spot I went hunting desperately for doctor in the remote island in the east coast for possible relief of acute pain that was radiating around my left inner ear and spreading to my face.
And after 3 days, pain ear turned into clogged ear and it’s beyond annoying because I was basically hearing underwater all the time. Most annoying thing is having to listen to my own amplified voice, breathing sound and muffled the sound of other people talking so I often didn’t hear what other people were saying to me. For weeks, sound of vacuum cleaner was there on 24/7 with occasional thumping sound.
This has been driving me crazy for weeks, I jumped on the internet all the time and tried almost all possible remedies, from oral antibiotics, 4 times a day nasal wash, nasal spray, blowing closed nostrils, trigger yawning, jumping, inverting, oiling inhale, prayers etc, but just was not helping and I did not feel like I am going to grow out of it. In my mind “The day when my ear clears, I would be the happiest person alive”.
Life still needs me to stay sane. Well, I don’t like doctor shopping and I have decided to just allowing my body to heal itself and nurturing it with good, healthy food and exercise but after a month of blocked ear, I am beginning to think there could be more to it especially triggered by my sis who suggested it may be due to some imbalances in my life.
I jumped on Mr Google again and searched for ‘emotion for blocked ear” and I found “there is a resistance to listening to what is going on around you”. I was quick to jump on it and called a friend whom I shared embarrassing and heart breaking stories not too long ago, a friend who had been keeping a distance. I thought we may communicate our hard feelings and conflict properly. The friend refused with “Please give me a break”. Blocked ears may seem annoying but little I realised, to some people, I am annoying.
So, where does that leave my ear? I am not sure; it was still blocked after a month. Perhaps I just have to let go of trying to fix everything and just allow it to be. Perhaps if my ear wants to be blocked, I should just let it and live in harmony with it.
Reflecting on my blocked ear journey, from fighting in extreme desperation for a cure to stage of giving up and freezing in blank spot towards finally letting go of every strategy or tools I always had, reminded me of many of my CAT students. For years of seeing many of my students living with body pain for decades before they came to know CAT, I started to be humbled by their strength to live life as normal as can be as a role of someone’s parent, sibling, colleague, friend, love ones. I completely understand now when some back pain victims responded on the thick roll exercise by saying “I have had worse; this pain is nothing to me”.
Is a blocked ear such a big deal then? No, I guess not. At some point, I think I could live with it and embrace the inconvenience while remembering many others with far greater inconveniences are finding reasons to smile, I decided to remember the wise old saying of “Life is perfect when you see the beauty in imperfection.”
I was more at ease thereafter and actually, listening to my own breath and voice may be seem quite refreshing too. I was more in term with the possibility of never be able to experience joy without blocked ear anymore, just like some people having pain on 24/7, it will be blocked, with no light at the end of the tunnel.
Just then, a week ago, a blessed friend of mine offered a 10-minute ear massage which was so painful but “I have had worse” and finally bingo, it got sorted out. Right after the massage, even though I still felt my ear was blocked the resonance was much improved so I knew things were changing. Now, I am already “the happiest person alive”.
Todate, in my life there are disappointment, relationship crisis, bad things happen, good things turned bad, but I can sit around and moan and whinge about it, or I can really help myself and others by remembering the joy of not having ear block again.
So, when things unexpectedly happened, I still go for my evening jog, listening to my singing child, catch a cup of coffee, a guard by the mall smiled at me sweetly, I smile back. Suddenly, remembering this chapter of life, I feel happy.